Still a work in progess (like me)....nonetheless, here is the piece I submitted for my writing class.
Story is found here
Story is found here
About Me
- Paige Jennifer
- United States
- Sometimes a girl and other times a woman. Sometimes silly and other times serious. Sometimes brave and other times scared. Always a writer.
Head Count
I Start My Day With
I End My Day With
4 comments:
Katerina,
You've got a lot of really wonderful things going on here. Some of your description gave me a really nice pause as I enjoyed thinking and feeling through the imagery. Your characters are well-drawn; I got a strong sense of what they were ‘about’ in this moment, and what there were likely to want and need. And many of your ‘God is in the details’ moments rang clear and true, and provided a great window into this world.
Very nice.
As someone who tries to fumble his way through the 'stringing of words together' thing, I do have some feedback suggestions. It is possible (maybe even probable) that I am completely off base and downright wrong here – so go with your gut in reading what’s to follow...
Two comments:
I had some difficulty with your subtle fluctuations in POV.
Also, the timeline felt a little confusing. The triple function of moving through time, space (location), while introducing new characters was a bit jarring, for me.
One suggestion – what if you were to start and end with the three women on the house steps? You could quickly establish hints of their relationships and characters in the very opening, to ground your reader and provide some context within which we can follow them through the timeline and locations of your story.
If you plant the question in the opener - how have these three women (who wouldn't ordinarily BE together, much less be sharing a glass of wine) arrived at this place - then much of the timeline movement becomes more in context, if that makes any sense at all. And packs a bigger punch at the end, as you see the same event in a completely new light.
Also has a nice tie-in with your title...
But maybe you've already tried this, and didn't like it?
Just a thought. Or two. :)
Like I wrote earlier, I could be totally off-base here. If so, save us all some pain and just hit delete.
I really enjoyed your story. Thank you for posting this to your site.
-nPA
Fantastic and appreciated comments - and exactly what readers in my class noted as the biggest problems with it.
POV - I've been instructed to write a few pages from the perspective of one character and then do it again from the perspective of another. It is supposed to help me redefine the narrator and the characters. This requires time which I haven't had.
Flashbacks - Also confusing for readers, breaking up the flow and causing confusion where none should be. Two people sugested planting the entire scenario in the funeral home. Which I like. Others suggested trimming back the flashbacks. Again, requires time which I haven't had.
The good news to all of it??? I'm spending the better part of next week lounging in Sarasota so there will be ample time (between transit and escaping my parents) to work on it all.
Thanks so much for (a) taking the time to read it and (b) taking the time to comment on it. Your feedback was like a cherry on top of a sundae - yums.
PJ
OK. Now I know -- ^know^ -- you didn't just call me 'a cherry.'
And as for sundaes... I taste much better (with fewer calories, no less). ;D
--nPA
Hi there...of course I dominated the boardgame evening that was Saturday Night. I have not had the chance to read your sample yet...but dont you worry I will...I Promise! I am heading to Fort Lauderale on Friday...Have a great week!
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