Just Say It

What the heck is up with men today? Seriously. I don’t mean to lump an entire gender into one category but can someone please explain to me why most of the time they lack the ability to openly and honestly communicate what's going on inside their heads.

Listen, I understand the whole thing about keeping it interesting at the get go. You don’t want to come across as too pathetic or too desperate. Plus, there’s appeal and allure to the unknown. Blah blah blah. I get it. But being coy and aloof isn’t the same as being a mute.

Example number one can be found in the remote land of Reading. Before even having a first date, this guy invited me to join him on a last minute trip to Chicago. I declined for obvious reasons and other commitments. Reading went on to make comments like “wish you were here” and “only eight days until I get to meet you” (cough, psycho). But hey, at least he was comfortable being forthright with his feelings even if they weren’t grounded in reality.

Then he pulled back. Way back. He did it after the first date and did it again after the second date. So, I Googled him. If you aren’t going to explain what’s going on, I’m going to seek an answer elsewhere. I’m a girl. This is what girls do. Men, write this down some place convenient like on your forehead for quick and easy access in the future.

Only one thing came up in my Google search for Reading, a wedding announcement. Of course this formally gave me the right to do more research. I hopped over to the property records for his county. Before you go thinking I’m the crazy one, I legitimately found this search back when I was pricing out comps for my condo. You can see who bought what when and for how much. It’s a great tool when negotiating a price in a competitive market. It’s also a great tool if you want to try and guesstimate when a possible divorce was finalized.

The funny thing is I don’t give a shit he’s been married. I do give a shit if he isn’t divorced. Why is it so hard to just speak the words? Boys, if there’s any hint it could hinder your ability to act like a normal functioning human being, I suggest communicating about the issue. It keeps speculation and the wild imagination of women like me, the women you’re wooing, to a minimum. And in case you never got the memo, gals usually have a maternal instinct to care for those who are, well, broken. I can almost guarantee you'll get laid faster if you speak openly.

Then there’s Engittorney. Hi there, big guy. Yes, I know you’re reading this, even though you’ve fibbed twice that you have’t. I don’t get it. I’m fine with you reading my rants. I even offered the link but you declined, saying something about wanting to get to know me from me and not from my blog. Sounded great but I totally knew temptation would get the best of you. Always does. It’d be too hard to hold back and you didn’t.

You forgot I could see who’s visited my site, how they got there, where in the world they were seated when reading it and how long they lurked. I may not be a Rhodes Scholar but it didn’t take much brain power to conclude you were the Philadelphian who landed on my page via a Google search for Attorney, Engineer, Paige ten minutes after our second date ended. So I busted you in a playful way. Because like I said before, I don’t care that you’re reading. I do care that you’re lying about it.

“I haven’t read it since that night,” you claimed the last time I saw you.

“But you want to read it, don’t you?” I said with a chuckle.

“Yeah, it’s tempting but I’ve held off.”

But you haven’t. No, I didn’t note your IP address to track your visits. I have better things to do with my time, like research Reading’s marriage and, god willing, his divorce. See, I know you’re still reading because you slipped. As you walked me to my car on our last get together, you asked me about my running efforts. Did I break my world record of seven minutes? The answer's yes. I've upped it to eleven minutes. But what I’m curious about is how could you ever know I was running if you hadn’t read the most recent post?

So here I am, willing to speak and open to honest communication but spending time with those who aren't capable of either. It’s like dating Marcel Marceau sans the face paint and imaginary box. I guess I'll just keep up with my efforts of mingling at social events, dabbling on the internet and just going about my life with the hopes I’ll stumble across a guy who’s capable of speaking his true thoughts freely. Correction. Capable of speaking his true thoughts freely and well versed in the fine art of giving great head. What? Am I being unreasonable? I know, I know. I should drop the communication thing and just hold out for great head.