A Day In The Life

6:00AM: Roll over wide awake, glance at the clock and ponder working out.

6:12AM: Exhausted from the mere thought of doing weighted squats and peck flies, curl into a ball and fall back asleep.

7:59AM: Awake ahead of alarm by one minute and curse the world for robbing me of that extra sixty seconds. Outburst of anger includes a double fisted shake toward the heavens.

8:01AM: Realize I just had a totally fucked up dream where I’m a manicurist who in my free time trains elephants. And the elephants talk. Each elephant has the voice of an ex and one proposed to me. I can’t remember which ex it was or whether I formally accepted the proposal so I spend the next twenty-two minutes trying to recall the dream, certain my future is buried in the details.

8:23AM: Get out of bed and into shower where I brush my teeth, lather my hair and soap my skin. Shave left leg twice and right leg never.

8:31AM: Naked and in a towel turban, q-tip ears but somehow miss the gallon of yellow conditioner clinging to the upper folds. Do one quick glance at upside of nose to make sure it is booger free before retreating to the bedroom.

8:40AM: Put on intimates, deodorant and lotion before relocating to the living room where I turn on my laptop and check any website that might contain grad school status and realize that nothing has changed in the last seven hours except that a bunch of people got into Sarah Lawrence for poetry, a full-time program I didn’t consider and a genre I will never master. And yet I am jealous.

8:52AM: Get dressed, toss wet hair into a $30 barrette I never should have bought, grab coat, banana and handbag and mosey to the car.

8:57AM: Apply make-up at the one and only traffic light I pass through en route to the office.

9:03AM: Sit down at desk, turn on computer, turn off voicemail and proceed to check every website that might contain grad school status and realize nothing has changed in the last twenty-three minutes except one person who got into Montana will be forfeiting his slot because he didn’t get funding and can’t afford the program.

9:21AM – 1:37PM: Work in ten minute intervals with quick breaks to check every website that might contain grad school status and realize nothing has changed or least not in my favor.

1:45PM – 2:30PM: Go to lunch with two coworkers and in between bites of pizza collectively mock the twit. Almost snarf Diet Coke and completely forget about graduate school for around thirty minutes.

2:35PM: Drive home, double park and sprint through lobby so fast I almost knock over the eighty year old oxygen tank toting doorman. Check mailbox. Toss entire lot of junk in the trash bin before shuffling my depressed ass back to my car.

2:47PM: Settle back in at desk and check cell phone and work voicemail to confirm no calls were missed.

2:53PM: Call cell phone from work phone, holding one handset to each ear, to confirm cell phone is in fact working.

3:00PM: Order two dozen homemade chocolate chip cookies to take to the Ronald McDonald House for evening volunteer shift.

3:02PM: Fiddle with ponytail and find crusty conditioner in the upper curl of right ear.

3:03PM – 4:40PM: Work in ten minute intervals with quick breaks to check every website that might contain grad school status and realize nothing has changed or least not in my favor.

4:41PM: Check spam folder to make sure a grad school email didn’t get snagged.

4:42PM: Answer work phone and learn that the person on the other end is a professor from University of Alaska in Anchorage personally welcoming me to the program. I mumble out three sentences, none of which contain a verb, thank her for the good news and then hang up.

4:45PM: Call my mom to tell her I got another acceptance, albeit to a program (a) I consider my ultimate safety and (b) I wasn’t loving because it takes three instead of two years to complete.

4:47PM: Talk my mom down from the fit she’s having about me ever stepping foot again in the state of Alaska. Her rant includes two threats: (1) to disown me if I accept the invitation to enroll and (2) to castrate that boy from up in them there parts if he somehow comes into consideration with regard to my decision making.

4:53PM: Call Leslie and tell her I got into UAA. The Doodlebops loudly play behind her and I find myself bouncing to the music.

5:12PM: Pick up cookies.

5:27PM: Sneak a warm and gooey chocolaty mess out of the box and eat it while sitting in rainy traffic.

6:11PM: Retrieve cousin who volunteers with me.

6:17PM – 9:00PM: Volunteer, checking phone regularly for absolutely no reason other than to accommodate nervous fidgeting.

9:27PM – 10:23PM: Collapse in a booth at the Continental and have dinner with cousin. Regret not ordering an overpriced cosmo or four.

11:10PM: Stumble through door, turn on laptop and practically pee myself because of computer detour. I grab my crotch like a five year old, dart for the toilet and vow next time to turn on the computer after I pee.

11:17PM – 1:45AM: Check every website that might contain grad school status and realize nothing has changed or least not in my favor. Though I do learn of a few people who have received no acceptances and I start to feel grateful I am not in that position.

1:47AM: Get into bed, send a prayer up to a God I am not sure I believe in just in case I am wrong, and fall asleep to the hum of the wind rustling the pines.