Dear Union Square Café,
While I’ve enjoyed recent additions to your farm fresh menu, it’s the stand-by signature dishes that keep me and everyone else coming back. So imagine my shock when I witnessed the current version of your Banana Macadamia Tart. Yes, the flavors are similar. But the banana, instead of sliced on the diagonal and beautifully fanned atop the tart, a design detailed in your cookbook available for sale at the bar, was just curled whole around the pastry bottom. Simply put, it resembled a sugar-crusted and lightly singed turd. Please introduce your new and apparently lazy pastry chef to a knife and the original recipe so he can get on board.
A Disappointed Diner
(who was too embarrassed to complain because the plate was still licked clean)
Dear Broadway, Off-Broadway and Regional Theatre,
For the love of God, please try to produce more decent plays in the near future. If I continue to walk out of productions at intermission, or curse the lack of an intermission so that I’m forced to sit through something painful like the musical version of Coraline, I just might stop showing up altogether. And no, I was not one of the four people snoring in harmony while Coraline sang to the cat for the third time. I was too busy determining the least disruptive exit to bother with sleep.
A Wavering Fan of the Arts
Dear Dusty Treadmill in My Living Room,
The Lazy-Ass Who Oftentimes Can Be Found Horizontal on the Neighboring Sofa Eating BonBons and Flipping You Off
In four sessions, you’ve taken me further than any previous shrink. I’m changing behaviors, working to anchor the past in the past instead of letting it tread upon the present and dictate my future. And while I giggled on the inside at your bordello decor, and I quietly balked at the value of EMDR, I was wrong. They both work. So please accept my formal apology for originally questioning your judgment. And keep doing what you’re doing. I’m better off because of it.
Your Tuesday 2pm Patient