Tuesday, August 07, 2012

Chapter One

When I started this blog, the point was to get myself writing.  I wanted to improve my storytelling skills.  I wanted to hone my sentence structure.  And the only way to do both would be to sit down and do it.  After all, you can't run a marathon if you've never laced up a pair of sneakers.

It was mid-2005 when I first published a post.  In the months and years since, I have evolved from a blogger into a writer. My work has been published in various places.  An unfinished novel patiently sits on my desktop, awaiting an itch and an urge for me to finally piece together the last few chapters.

There was only one post I published that I felt necessary to pull down.  Well, that was as of yesterday.  Today, for the second time in my life, my blog hurt someone.  As fast as I could, I logged into Blogger and tried to undo what I had done.

I never set out to fracture trust.  Words strung together into a collection of sentences, from where I was sitting, meant something so specific. It was a statement of my past failures and attempts at a better future.  But what I meant to say, how I meant to say it, none of that matters.  The bottom line is someone read what I wrote and was incredibly hurt.

I can't unwrite what I have written.  And I can't magically make someone unfeel the hurt resulting from what I said.  But I do have the ability to unpublish something.  It in no way can undo the damage I did.  I wish it could.  I wish I could hit rewind to earlier tonight when, with puffy eyes and tear stained cheeks, I clicked the publish button.  I would turn myself inside out if that would fix things.  If only it could.

I am sorry, E.  I love you to pieces.  Always did and always will.  Just like I told you on one of our first dates, "When you fall in love, a part of you will always love that person no matter what."

Yes, one chapter closes.  I won't argue that interpretation. But I've always believed books with multiple chapters are far more enjoyable.  Chapter One is nothing more than the premise for an amazing story that spans a lifetime.  Now if only I wasn't so scared to turn the page and start Chapter Two.