Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Ur So Not 4 Me

Last week I re-upped with eHarmony. It isn’t my only outlet for flirting with the opposite sex. Since I get hit on weekly at the gym, there’s always that venue. And I go out socially a few times a week, attending concerts and gallivanting around town with a noticeably pretty crowd. No, really, not to brag but my friends know how to bring it in the looks department. My parents probably pay them to include me. Anyway, I like to think of online dating as merely stacking the odds in my favor.

The first few days back on eHarmony, I was the belle of the ball. Every hour I was receiving notices, either a generic icebreaker complimenting my smile or a full-blown request to start communicating. In terms of elevating my sense of self, the first week of online dating is pretty much equal to six months on my shrink’s couch.

I try to be open when it comes to online dating. Sure, he looks a little like Dr. Huxtable but he does the Sunday crossword and appreciates fine wine. While living in Harrisburg qualifies as a personality flaw, maybe he ended up there for valid reasons. Of course, when BD Wong’s stunt double pinged me to start talking, I almost threw my computer across the room. People, I couldn’t make this shit up. I swear, this guy is like a herpes sore.

Anyway, I’m now on day sixteen of online dating and the novelty is slowly wearing off. Now that the shiny new glow has dulled considerably, I find myself drawing some conclusions. Walk with me.

(1) One or two grammatical errors I can live with. We’re human, after all. But not knowing the difference between their/there/they’re and you’re/your and it’s/its is a problem. Especially if your chosen profession is teaching. Also, try to avoid spelling in a way that requires me to read your sentence aloud so as to sound out the words. If ur 2 lazy 2 type, ur prob lazy n bed.

(2) There is a general guideline in writing: show don’t tell. Saying you are funny doesn’t make you funny any more than me claiming I am skinny makes me thin.

(3) Photographs are meant to make you look good, not bad. To that end:
  • Unless you are a pro-athlete, leave the team garb in the closet.
  • I don’t want to see your hairless, ripped, greasy chest.
  • I don’t want to see your hairless, ripped, greasy chest posed in front of a Camaro/BMW/Porsche.
  • Photographs shot from 100 feet away tell me nothing.
  • Photographs shot from 100 feet away that depict acid wash jeans tell me everything.
  • For the love of Pete, please find a way to take a picture that does not involve a bathroom, a mirror and a pose of you holding your phone out to snap the shot. I can only conclude this means you have no friends, or no friends willing to help you get laid.
  • I take no issue with you being a dad. My problem is you posting pictures of your children. It makes me feel pervy. I mean, this has to be how pedophiles get their fix, right?
(4) If you’re a commercial pilot, I will automatically assume you’re a whore. Blame the trampy pilots who came before you.

(5) If you’re current or former military and include a photograph in uniform, I might act like a whore. Blame Top Gun.

Now excuse me so I can back to flirting with the curiously cute IT guy from Sioux Falls, Dakota. Yes, Dakota. Color me a city-slicker snob but differentiating North from South is like arguing ecru is different from ivory. At least that is how I feel for now. But that could change. Between his nerdy specs and quirky sense of humor, I could...

(insert pause to google the town)

...learn to appreciate a land-locked state that boasts hosting the largest Christian festival in the country. Or, like, I could at least try.


Breeza said...

Oh I so don't miss online dating. I do miss dating though!

Howie said...


Anonymous said...

HILARIOUS!! i freaking love it. have you tweeted this yet? if not i'm going to. and i feel the same way regarding the typos and grammar. i'm sorry but it's just not gonna work if ya can't write. period.

Bathwater said...

Geez wiz PJ if I new you were flirting all the way to the Dakotas I would have given you my profile.

Detroit is a lot closer than that. And I DID grow up in Newtown. I delivered the paper there. I spend many a day walking that town, before it became all expensive and ritzy.

Rebekah J said...

My shots at online dating were NEVER this amusing. Or maybe I just wasn't this good at writing them out to they'd actually be amusing.

Either. But best read all week.

Snakebite said...

Being from Sioux Falls, SD, I'm searching my memory for single IT dudes I might know.....

Yes, we are over run with bible thumpers every Labor Day weekend. I typically run for the Black Hills that weekend.

I have to say, my curiosity is now piqued. I'm hopeful for updates as they occur.

Anonymous said...

OMG you had me rolling on the floor! I couldn't have said it all better myself!

Anonymous said...

such a delight to read. thanks so much for the smile.