Sunday, January 26, 2014

Turning A Corner

"So catch me up on things," my therapist said as I settled onto her sofa, set my cup of hot tea on a coaster.  "It's been almost a month."

I updated her on all that had transpired since our last session in mid-December. I told her about how a close friend of twenty years failed me at a time I was so needing her to be present. I told her about a visit to Florida that included calm conversation, genuine belly laughs, and nary an argument with my mother. And I told her about the lengthy interview process that forced me to cancel our scheduled session for the previous week.

"How did it go?"

"Oh, it went really well. I met with the Director of my entire division. That was a fantastic discussion. But the interview I had after him was ridiculous and made me realize I didn't want the promotion."

"Wow, really?"

"Totally. She was trying so hard to intimidate me and I just don't have time to manage something so unproductive."

"It sounds like you're making incredible strides," she said, beaming with pride as she relaxed against her chair-back.

Except that wasn't exactly how I was feeling. Instead I was struggling with a sense of frustration at work. Just that day I learned I needed to be in San Francisco the following week for a lunch meeting that no one could explain. This in addition to mastering and taking a test about an entirely different product and attending an event an hour from home. All I wanted to do was sit at my desk and finally catch up on work that fell off during my so-called vacation.

"You don't see it, do you?" my therapist asked.

I shrugged.

"Paige, I'm blown away by the progress you've made with your mom. Even when your friend was shitty, you did what was best for you and told her how her behavior was hurtful. You've made smart career choices to ensure you stay on track. And you're dipping your toe back in the dating pool."

"Yeah, except that hasn't amounted to much."

It hasn't. Though I updated my online profile to include newer pictures and more current statements, the pickings felt slim. More importantly, I wasn't feeling overly interested.

"Why?" she asked.

"A coworker recently noted some guy was checking me out and I didn't even realize there were men in the room with us."

On the one hand, I miss resting my cheek on a man's chest, my body rising and falling with the movement of his breaths. On the other hand, I feel insulated from the actual acts needed to graduate to such intimacy.

"You're putting too much pressure on yourself!"

It was a familiar accusation.

"When I look at you, I see a woman who is together. You're dressed elegantly, not like you've thrown in the towel. You're a woman about town with a thriving career. And, more importantly, you have your shit together. Enjoy the moment and the rest will follow."


"Now that you're putting yourself out there, I sense you'll be snatched up soon enough. I'm serious! Hang on tight because wonderful things are heading your way."

I took in her giddy grin, her confident optimism, her genuine excitement for me and decided to follow her lead. After all, she hadn't steered me wrong yet. Plus, in my heart I knew I was ready to stand beneath the moonlight and enjoy a kiss with a man who makes me weak in the knees. I just couldn't see through the haze clearly enough to trust it could happen.


DL White said...

Girl you know I feel you. You and I have worked hard to get this spot where we have our shit together. We awake, self aware, we know what we want and we're ready.

Where are our counterparts that don't think they're 'too good', who aren't 'waiting for the fairy tale', who aren't the male equivalent of a woman who hears the desperation of her ticking biological clock like a gong in her ear?

I don't know. Ima get me some cats, I guess. I hear you get a starter cat when you turn 40. You get yours yet?

onebreath said...

I can so relate to wanting that intimacy but not being sure that you have the stamina to get through all the "stuff" that comes before. It feels like such a daunting process. But nothing good ever came easy? Or so they say.

It can be tempting to overlook how far we have come... I'm glad you have a witness who can point out such things to you so that you can bask in your own glory! :) (Okay, okay, maybe just grin at it, if basking is a little too extreme)

Anonymous said...

I worked with a counselor for a couple of years before I really committed to the dating pool, and then it took another year of e-mails/first dates via Match that didn't pan out before I found my boyfriend. He and I have been together for a year, and it's going well.

I know that a big part of why I wasn't in this sort of relationship before was because I was terrified of having a real relationship and was sending a lot of not-me messages, even when I thought I wasn't. I am really happy that I made and am continuing to make the effort. Give the dating pool some time to catch up to you, and make the effort. It's worth it if it's something you want in your life.

صيانة said...

نقدم الان العديد من الاستخدامات المختلفة التى تقدمة صيانة الكتروستار التى تقدم العديد من الاستخدامات المختلفة الان فى
مصر , وباقل الاسعار التى لا احد يقوم بتقديمة الان فى كافة المحافظات

Unknown said...

خصومات رائعة الان من شركة سوقنى فى كافة تصميم مواقع الان على اعلى مستوى وباقل الاسعار التى لا احد يقوم بتقديمة الان فى كافة الفروع والاستخدامات المختلفة التى لا احد يقدمة الان فى مصر

3nod maka said...

الان مع افضل شركة تنظيف خزانات بمكة يمكنكم الان الحصول على افضل المميزات المختلفة من تنظيف خزانات بمكة التى لا احد يقوم بتقديمة الان فى مصر , وباقل الاسعار التى لا احد يقوم بتقديمة الان فى مصر

maintenanceg said...

خصومات رائعة الان من صيانة باناسونيك التى تقدم افضل ما لدينا الان من صيانة تكنوجاز الا , وباقل الاسعار الممكن فى مصر , وباقل التكاليف الممكن الان والاسعار

Unknown said...

يمكنكم الان التواصل مع فضل فريق الان فى مصر من شركة حراسات خاصة الان الاننا نقدم افضل فريق امن وحراسة على اعلى مستوى ممكن الان فى مصر كما اننا نقوم باختيار المةاصفات الصارمة الان

asphaltksa said...

تعرف الان على مقاول اسفلت بالرياض وباقل الاسعارالمختلفة التى لا احد يقوم بتقديمة الان فى كافةالمحافظات الان فى السعودية من مقاول اسفلت الان فى الممكلة العربية السعودية الان , وباقل الاسعار المختلفة الان

Unknown said...

وداعا لانتشار السرقة والخطف مع اشهر شركة امن وحراسة في مصر شركة الحارس الخاص والتيتوفر لكم عدد من امهر رجال الامن المتخصصين في عملية الامن والحراسة ونقوم بتدريبهم بشكل جيد علي كيفية حراسة الممتلكات والشركات ونوفر لكم خدمة الحراسة المؤقتة او المستمرة وفقما تريدون لذا نعد اشهر شركة حراسات امنية باعلي جودة واقل تكلفه

care olders said...

لست بحاجة الي ان تدفع الكثير من المال في اعلان مطلوب جليسة لسيدة مسنة لان الدار توفر لكم افضل جليسات مسنين في مصر واشهر جليسة مسنين واننا نختارهم باعلي معاير ونقوم بتدريبهم علي كيفية التعامل مع كبار السن ومساعدة كبار السن خاصة ان كبار السن يحتاجوا الي عناية كبيرة ان الدار تمتلك افضل جليسة لسيدة مسنة لانها تمتلك الخبرة العملية والعلمية لاننا ختارهم علي مستوي عالي من الخبرة في الامراض الملازمة لكبار السن

3nod maka said...

مع انتشار الحشرات في فصل الصيف بسبب ارتفاع الحرارة تنتشر الكثير من الانواع ولكن مع اكبر شركة مكافحة الصراصير بمكة والتي توفر لكم احدث المبيدات التي تستخدم في مكافحة الصراصير لذا تعد اشهر شركة مكافحة البق بمكة وتخلصكم منه في اسرع وقت ,كما اننا نعد افضل من يمتلك فريق ليخلصكم من النمل شركة مكافحة النمل بمكة كما اننانقوم بالرش لنخلصكم من العته وهي من اخطر الحشرات لذا نحن اشهر شركة مكافحة العته بمكة باعلي جودة واقل تكلفه ودن الحاجة الي ترك المنزل

lg said...

الان مع اكبر شركة رش مبيدات بالدمام والتي توفر لكم كل انواع المبيدات التي تستخدم في رش المنازل كي تخلصكم من كافة الحشرات ,ان شركة ابراج دبي تعد اشهر شركة تنظيف فلل بالدمام لاننا نمتلك العمالة المدربة علي كيفية تنظيف الفلل في اقل وقت ممكن و دون تلف اي شئ ,واننا نستخدم احدث المواد كي نجعل منزلكم يلمع وخالي من اي اتربة said...

تمتع بافضل خدمة مكافحة حشرات من اكبر شركة ابادة حشرات في مصر والتي توفر افضل العمالة المدربة علي رش المنازل دون تركها لذا نعد اشهر شركة مكافحة حشرات والتي توفر افضل الخدمات باقل تكلفه

Patricia Carter said...

Your therapist sound a bit too happy all the time.
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maktabtk said...

يتواجد لدي موقع مكتبتك العديد من الانواع المختلفة للتقنيات العالية في الجودة منها الترجمة البحثية التي يحتاج اليها الباحثين في مراحل مختلفة

maktabtk said...

يمتاز موقع مكتبتك بكونه على أعلي مستوي من الدقة والشفافية مما يجذب انتباه الباحث العلمي للاعتماد عليه في إعداد رسائله البحثية والأكاديمية وطرحها دون أي مخاوف

maktabtk said...

يتم الاعتماد بشكل كلي ومستمر على موقع مكتبتك لقدرته على جذب انتباه الباحث من خلال توفير كافة الخدمات التي يحتاجها بداية من تقديم نموذج خطة البحث الملائمة لكي يتم تقديم رسائل مبنية على أسس منهجية وعلمية

Suzan Baker said...

Sometimes you dont realise the attention. It does not have to mean anything.
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Angel said...

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